We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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