i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
