Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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