cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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