it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
