I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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