Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
