she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize