Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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