oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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