Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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