He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
