Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
