Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
