Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
