you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
