i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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