i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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