I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
