I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
