Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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