can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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