JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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