the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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