There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
