Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
