I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the condom got lost in my hair
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
