At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
