Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
