Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
