dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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