I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize