You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize