Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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