I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
