just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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