So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
