You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
