In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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