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It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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