Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
