I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
