she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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