you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
God, I missed his penis.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
