so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
