I feel great
I just peed on a car
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
