3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
