I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize