The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
