Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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