1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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