Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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