So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
