my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
