That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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