So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
