were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize