I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
