im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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