Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize