So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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