hotel room ftw
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
