Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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