And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize