My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
