I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
